WEBVTT 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:05.970 I'm going to invite you to turn to Mark chapter 15 I'm going to let you know we're not going to stay there together. 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:07.270 We're going to bounce around a bit. 00:00:07.420 --> 00:00:08.480 Stay, or excuse me, not marketing. 00:00:08.760 --> 00:00:11.630 Matthew, I'm sorry, Matthew chapter 15 we're not going to stay there together. 00:00:11.700 --> 00:00:16.000 We're going to bounce around a little bit because of the series that we are on there. 00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:18.980 If you're busy with us, I wanna welcome you to Alpine Bible church. 00:00:19.180 --> 00:00:26.480 We're three weeks into a four part series entitled this thing called love, examining the significance of relationships and 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:28.640 what God desires for us in them. 00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:35.780 God created relationships for us to thrive in them and experience the joy of who he is through our relationships with each 00:00:35.780 --> 00:00:38.140 other because we're created in the image of God. 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:45.560 And so it's important for us to understand the health of relationships and because relationships are important and because we live in the simple 00:00:45.560 --> 00:00:50.440 world, we know one of the things that we encounter in relationships as this little thing we like to call conflict. 00:00:51.160 --> 00:00:55.160 And so today we're going to try to talk about conflict without conflict. 00:00:55.300 --> 00:00:55.880 Okay? 00:00:55.900 --> 00:00:58.690 And don't worry about escaping if you don't want to talk about conflict already. 00:00:58.980 --> 00:01:06.080 I already told the ushers to lock the doors, so if you and your loved ones are at odds ins today just spread 00:01:06.080 --> 00:01:07.270 apart down skin, they'll do that. 00:01:07.660 --> 00:01:14.760 I want you to know that if we talk about conflict today, I am not here to berate or belittle anyone that you may have brought if you knew the series 00:01:14.760 --> 00:01:16.670 is on conflict right now. 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:19.620 Really what we're interested in is talking to you. 00:01:20.320 --> 00:01:27.500 We cannot transform other people's hearts, but we can ask Jesus to work on our own and that becomes an important part in working through conflict 00:01:27.500 --> 00:01:30.460 because all of us know when it relates to conflict and involves two people. 00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:38.800 We talk about this idea of love, idea of law of is so important as it relates to the topic of conflict because it puts us in a position 00:01:38.800 --> 00:01:40.270 of understanding love. 00:01:40.640 --> 00:01:43.350 When we understand love, it helps us to work through conflict well. 00:01:43.480 --> 00:01:50.720 And so when we talk about conflict this morning, the last two lessons really lay the precedent and the foundation 00:01:50.720 --> 00:01:53.600 for how we can approach conflict in the healthy way. 00:01:53.720 --> 00:02:00.860 You don't even know this, but it's been a three part series on conflict so far and I want to show you how all of what we've learned together relates to the idea of 00:02:00.860 --> 00:02:01.580 conflict. 00:02:01.620 --> 00:02:08.620 But before we get into that, just to lighten the room on some of the interesting things that 00:02:08.620 --> 00:02:15.760 happen in relationships and we know most specifically can happen in a marital relationship because that becomes the epitome of the 00:02:15.760 --> 00:02:17.870 depth where relationships are experienced. 00:02:18.640 --> 00:02:25.700 I have taken to the Twitter and have written down some of the interesting statements that 00:02:25.700 --> 00:02:30.900 were made on relationships and that interaction on social media. 00:02:30.900 --> 00:02:35.300 So these, this listen to this morning it says an advice about marriage. 00:02:35.320 --> 00:02:38.060 Someone said this marriage is just texting each other. 00:02:38.420 --> 00:02:40.600 Do you need anything from the grocery store? 00:02:40.640 --> 00:02:42.330 A bunch of times until one of you dies. 00:02:43.980 --> 00:02:48.360 My wife wanted two kittens, but I'm the man of the house. 00:02:49.460 --> 00:02:50.300 So we got two kittens. 00:02:52.790 --> 00:02:53.040 Yep. 00:02:53.080 --> 00:02:54.470 Raise your hand if you got two kids and I don't do that. 00:02:55.980 --> 00:02:58.710 Some of you are going to like their full husband. 00:03:00.200 --> 00:03:04.050 You were supposed to do something about the Groundhog under the deck wife. 00:03:04.580 --> 00:03:05.020 I did. 00:03:05.780 --> 00:03:09.560 I named him Lord Melbourne and he likes cocoa puffs. 00:03:12.020 --> 00:03:17.380 Wife said, my husband is home sick from work today and it's like having 1000 babies. 00:03:22.760 --> 00:03:24.200 Whoever laughs the hardest. 00:03:24.420 --> 00:03:25.160 Alicia. 00:03:26.110 --> 00:03:30.140 I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog. 00:03:30.860 --> 00:03:32.650 He said, we don't need a hedgehog. 00:03:33.440 --> 00:03:39.350 Long story short, we're picking it up on Thursday before I got married. 00:03:39.480 --> 00:03:42.930 I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge. 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:45.460 I like this one. 00:03:45.460 --> 00:03:45.920 This is me. 00:03:46.460 --> 00:03:53.620 The wife was saying, sorry, I'm late because I was finding all of the things that were in plain sight from my husband always tell 00:03:53.620 --> 00:03:58.100 her I don't have enough estrogen to find these things and I don't know what it is, but she's capable. 00:03:58.480 --> 00:04:01.100 This is good advice for premarital counseling. 00:04:01.880 --> 00:04:06.680 Somebody said this for premarital counseling, couples should have to put together a tent. 00:04:07.760 --> 00:04:08.400 Yes. 00:04:08.500 --> 00:04:10.860 You said you ever done that. 00:04:10.860 --> 00:04:11.720 You know what that's like. 00:04:12.540 --> 00:04:13.780 Oh, okay. 00:04:13.780 --> 00:04:19.120 So relationship conflict in talking about it, it's important. 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:26.540 Now, let me just give you a reason why love is love is intended for us 00:04:26.540 --> 00:04:34.340 to experience the depth of relationships and when we look at the reason for which God created us, when 00:04:34.340 --> 00:04:41.400 you come to church, I think our tendency is to think God created us for performance because for religion, religion, religion, and that 00:04:41.400 --> 00:04:41.970 is not biblical. 00:04:44.280 --> 00:04:45.840 God doesn't need you to do anything. 00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:50.150 Anything that you think that you are so important that you need to do. 00:04:50.720 --> 00:04:54.460 Rest assured God can do it better than you can right now. 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:58.210 God wants you to glorify him in your life, but it's not because he created you for religion. 00:04:59.660 --> 00:05:02.490 The way you glorify God in your life is through relationship. 00:05:04.380 --> 00:05:05.770 God created you for relationship. 00:05:07.140 --> 00:05:09.400 The Bible tells us, Jesus, two greatest commands. 00:05:09.400 --> 00:05:10.230 We shared this together. 00:05:10.300 --> 00:05:13.700 Loving God, loving others, love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, love others. 00:05:14.820 --> 00:05:17.640 And so in those two commands, we see that it's a relational command. 00:05:18.300 --> 00:05:21.000 In the new Testament, we find that there's the new covenant in the new covenant. 00:05:21.120 --> 00:05:23.740 The Bible tells us that the spirit of God indwells us. 00:05:24.980 --> 00:05:29.130 And if you ask the question of what does that look like, how do I know the spirit of God's indwelling me and what does that look like in my life? 00:05:29.200 --> 00:05:30.930 How do I really know that I'm walking in the spirit? 00:05:31.260 --> 00:05:35.580 The Bible tells us the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness against such things. 00:05:35.580 --> 00:05:42.640 There is no law that tells us, but when you look at those fruits of the spirit, of the fruit, of the spirit, when the Bible is listing those, you'll recognize that those 00:05:42.640 --> 00:05:48.900 aren't legalistic law commands, but rather they're relational statements, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness. 00:05:48.900 --> 00:05:50.460 That's experienced relationally. 00:05:51.840 --> 00:05:57.350 And so when we talk about a series like this thing called love, sometimes we get in this place in life where like, I don't want to about love. 00:05:57.860 --> 00:05:58.340 It's too fluffy. 00:05:59.100 --> 00:06:02.120 I want to talk about theology cause I'm a Moran or whatever. 00:06:02.160 --> 00:06:02.440 I don't know. 00:06:02.660 --> 00:06:09.720 I've never heard anyone say that but I know sometimes the tendency is when you talk about love, some people may look at it too fluffy, but this is, 00:06:09.900 --> 00:06:10.930 this is, this is important. 00:06:11.060 --> 00:06:18.520 Think about if your theology does not encourage you to further love God and love others. 00:06:20.280 --> 00:06:27.340 Geology stinks because the intention of what we find when we discover God in scripture is to love him 00:06:27.340 --> 00:06:34.080 more and as we connect to God and our relationship with him, that that's demonstrating our relationship with others. 00:06:34.100 --> 00:06:37.200 It's leveraged through that relationship with people. 00:06:37.200 --> 00:06:40.980 When we transform our relationship with God, it impacts our relationship with ours. 00:06:41.000 --> 00:06:48.860 In fact, that's what we've talked about the first two weeks and that even lays the precedence for conflict, resolving conflict, which we're going to talk about in just a minute, but 00:06:48.860 --> 00:06:55.540 the Bible told us in John chapter 13 verse 34 love one another as I have loved you and the demonstration of Jesus is love. 00:06:55.540 --> 00:06:57.970 It's that transformation in my love in Christ. 00:06:58.040 --> 00:06:59.760 It transforms my relationship with others. 00:06:59.760 --> 00:07:07.180 And which is why in Philippians two we looked at this last week, he said had this mind in you, which was also in Christ Jesus, who though being in the form of God didn't 00:07:07.180 --> 00:07:12.660 hold it as something to be grasped, but he lowered himself to the point of a bond survey even to death on the cross. 00:07:14.100 --> 00:07:17.500 And so relationship with God transforms our relationship with others. 00:07:17.540 --> 00:07:23.460 And here's the other cool part is our relationship with others affects our relationship with God. 00:07:24.140 --> 00:07:26.300 Yeah, they're not exclusive from each other. 00:07:26.300 --> 00:07:33.460 We don't come to church on Sunday, worship God, and then take care of whatever else on Monday that when you engage people in your life, the very way you choose 00:07:33.460 --> 00:07:37.540 to treat people can be seen and demonstrated as a way of worship before the Lord. 00:07:37.720 --> 00:07:39.490 And I would say it's most important. 00:07:40.620 --> 00:07:47.560 It is most important in conflict because listen, anyone can love when it's easy to love. 00:07:49.280 --> 00:07:53.780 Anyone can express the fruit of the spirit when it's easy to do love, joy, peace patients. 00:07:53.780 --> 00:08:00.880 Sure I can be patient when nothing is bothering me and I can have joy when everything's going my way and I can love when you're lovable. 00:08:02.400 --> 00:08:09.640 But the fruit of the spirit is demonstrated in my life, even in the darkest moments and when the darkest of moments come in my life, I had the greatest 00:08:09.640 --> 00:08:12.520 opportunity to shed light into the beauty of who Jesus is. 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:16.580 And so we talk about conflict and how it relates to our relationship with God and one another. 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:21.460 I think conflict becomes one of the most important parts of demonstrating the goodness God in my life. 00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:24.870 Now I say that I don't want to tell you and be honest. 00:08:26.280 --> 00:08:28.160 I'm not saying it because it's easy for me. 00:08:30.100 --> 00:08:33.820 It's a struggle for me just because someone might call me. 00:08:34.200 --> 00:08:41.720 Pastor doesn't make me free from sin, but I know what the goal is, honor Jesus and my relationships 00:08:42.580 --> 00:08:44.670 and I cannot change the heart of another person. 00:08:44.740 --> 00:08:46.480 Listen to this morning, we think about conflicts. 00:08:46.560 --> 00:08:47.520 It involves two people. 00:08:47.880 --> 00:08:49.380 We cannot change the heart of the other person. 00:08:49.480 --> 00:08:50.000 But here's what we can do. 00:08:50.060 --> 00:08:57.200 We can talk about ourselves and how we interact in it so that at night when I go to bed, I don't respond in such a way where I've shamed the relationship and I've 00:08:57.200 --> 00:09:03.920 dishonored God, but I can lay my head at sleep at night, resting easy, knowing then the midst of conflict. 00:09:05.340 --> 00:09:12.420 I've worshiped God and I've honored others and so your relationship with God impacts your relationship with others 00:09:12.420 --> 00:09:19.560 and your relationship with others affects your relationship with God and Malakai chapter two verse 14 it tells us the way that the husband 00:09:19.560 --> 00:09:21.940 treated his wife is seen as worship before the Lord. 00:09:21.960 --> 00:09:27.660 And first Peter five seven it tells, it tells the husband the way you've treated your wife will affect your prayers before God. 00:09:27.700 --> 00:09:34.760 In Matthew chapter 25 and verse 2324 it says, if you remember a brother has an offense against you, why you're worshiping, leave that affair 00:09:34.760 --> 00:09:38.440 or leave that place of worship and go reconcile the offense with your brother. 00:09:40.520 --> 00:09:48.340 Because your relationship with others has everything to do with your relationship, your relationship 00:09:48.340 --> 00:09:50.720 with God impacts others and the way you engage your relationships. 00:09:51.040 --> 00:09:58.100 In this world outside of Sunday is an act of worship and especially especially in conflict, we see 00:09:58.100 --> 00:09:59.640 the significance of that, right? 00:10:02.340 --> 00:10:05.910 This is why over the last couple of weeks we've just laid the foundation of what love is. 00:10:07.940 --> 00:10:08.780 Love is a verb. 00:10:08.780 --> 00:10:12.630 It requires action and love is a now and we've got to find the source of love. 00:10:12.920 --> 00:10:15.040 We've got to understand our position in love. 00:10:15.060 --> 00:10:22.080 We've got to find a place that demonstrates our worth and to be loved and we we've found it in the Lord because God is loved and that gives us a place then to 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:29.080 lay ourselves down to love others because God has shown us that we're intrinsically value and from are invaluable and from our intrinsic worth 00:10:29.080 --> 00:10:30.280 because of who God is. 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:34.920 We can let ourselves positionally in order to elevate one another to help them become all that God has called them to be. 00:10:35.020 --> 00:10:37.220 That's what love is in our culture. 00:10:37.220 --> 00:10:38.580 We have horrible displays of love. 00:10:39.320 --> 00:10:43.830 Oftentimes when we say we love you, it's because we like what you do for us. 00:10:43.920 --> 00:10:50.940 We love you because the way you make me feel, but when you stop making me feel that way, then my love runs dry because my love really wasn't love to begin 00:10:50.940 --> 00:10:51.220 with. 00:10:51.240 --> 00:10:51.940 It was selfishness. 00:10:52.500 --> 00:10:54.700 It was something other than the love, but it wasn't love. 00:10:55.660 --> 00:11:02.740 The idea of biblical love is laying down all that you are for the benefit of someone else leveraging all that you are so that someone else can become all that God has called them to 00:11:02.740 --> 00:11:03.020 be. 00:11:04.520 --> 00:11:05.940 Love is about giving itself away. 00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:06.760 It's not about what you get. 00:11:06.760 --> 00:11:07.720 It's about what you give. 00:11:09.580 --> 00:11:13.760 And so we looked at that foundation of love, shaping our identity in the Lord as the source of love. 00:11:13.760 --> 00:11:18.360 And then recognizing and Philippians two where Jesus, it tells us no, he's in the form of God. 00:11:18.400 --> 00:11:20.080 He took it as nothing to be grasped him. 00:11:20.100 --> 00:11:27.260 So what it was saying to us is that when Jesus walked in a room, he was the most important person in the room, but 00:11:27.260 --> 00:11:28.140 he never declared it. 00:11:29.640 --> 00:11:33.120 He never walked into the room and said, Hey guys, I'm the specialist one here. 00:11:33.240 --> 00:11:35.150 The specialist, the word I am at. 00:11:37.560 --> 00:11:42.960 He didn't even though intrinsically he's the most important person in the room. 00:11:43.340 --> 00:11:50.480 Positionally he lowered himself so that the people in sin, the conflict creators could become what God 00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:51.520 had called him to be in him. 00:11:54.620 --> 00:12:01.700 And so that's where for us, it becomes so important to understand our relationship with God because your intrinsic worth will determine why you even see 00:12:01.700 --> 00:12:03.960 the need to lay yourself down for the benefit of others. 00:12:05.060 --> 00:12:09.240 Because if you're looking for love and other people, you're going to use them and abuse them to get what you want. 00:12:09.260 --> 00:12:11.740 But when you find your loving God, his love never ends. 00:12:11.740 --> 00:12:16.560 And in that value that he places on you can lower yourself to elevate others because of the way Jesus has lifted you up. 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:18.760 And it's a lot of passion. 00:12:21.060 --> 00:12:28.400 Love is important theology of understanding them, your theology 00:12:28.400 --> 00:12:33.500 and understanding of who God is should drive you to love others better. 00:12:33.500 --> 00:12:34.780 And in loving others better. 00:12:34.980 --> 00:12:36.640 It should better connect you to God. 00:12:36.640 --> 00:12:43.680 You get to display the goodness of God in your relationships, especially in the midst of conflict and if your theology doesn't help you love, then 00:12:43.680 --> 00:12:53.180 your theology stinks because what God has created us for his relationship and 00:12:53.180 --> 00:12:56.300 what God desires for us to experience in our lives. 00:12:56.460 --> 00:13:03.640 This is a relationship that thrives and we've said this together to any, anyone with a pulse can fall 00:13:03.640 --> 00:13:06.020 in love, but it takes a plan to stay in love. 00:13:08.780 --> 00:13:15.130 When you think about our culture, our culture is set up to not be successful in religion and religion. 00:13:15.460 --> 00:13:22.700 Our culture is not set up to be successful in relationship because a lot of what we emphasize in our society today 00:13:22.700 --> 00:13:28.380 is all about self, your rights and your needs and you being happy and it being all about you. 00:13:30.300 --> 00:13:34.240 The problem with that when it comes to relationship is for relationship to be healthy. 00:13:34.280 --> 00:13:39.180 You've got to die to self for the benefit of relationships so that you can become a, God has called you to be together. 00:13:41.480 --> 00:13:46.520 And so unless you're willing to lay yourself down, what you end up is isolated and lonely because you make life about itself. 00:13:46.520 --> 00:13:53.520 But for relationships to succeed in and just survive and then thrive, it's got to be about surrendering yourself 00:13:53.520 --> 00:13:55.280 for the benefit of one another. 00:13:56.300 --> 00:14:01.920 Not because you're worthless, but position, being able to lower your yourself because of the volume of Jesus. 00:14:01.980 --> 00:14:05.060 And so the world gives us all sorts of ways to try to find love. 00:14:05.060 --> 00:14:11.000 You gotta love yourself and you've got to put you first and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 00:14:11.580 --> 00:14:15.640 Sometimes it becomes a horrible way in order to experience love. 00:14:15.640 --> 00:14:22.820 I would, I was thinking about this past week of, growing up an eighties kid, best generation, whatever that 00:14:22.820 --> 00:14:30.140 means, but growing up as an eighties kid, all the demonstrates that the examples I've had of love, both whether in relationship and 00:14:30.140 --> 00:14:33.060 real relationships or television relationships. 00:14:33.260 --> 00:14:35.130 One of my favorites, one of my favorites. 00:14:35.300 --> 00:14:36.800 I tried demonstrating this on my sister. 00:14:36.860 --> 00:14:40.170 I remember as a kid was this thing called Carebears. 00:14:42.580 --> 00:14:48.050 Embarrassed to say that, but Carebears what makes Carebears so great is that Carebears care. 00:14:48.980 --> 00:14:55.140 You look at the, they got the emblem on their, on their stomach of exactly how they're going to express that love. 00:14:55.160 --> 00:14:55.740 You know what I'm talking about? 00:14:56.060 --> 00:14:57.600 We don't, we don't worry about grumpy bear. 00:14:57.620 --> 00:14:58.360 Grumpy bear had a cloud. 00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:03.070 We won't talk about him, but the rest of the bears, rest of the bears, they had care, bear love, and they cared. 00:15:03.140 --> 00:15:03.580 Right. 00:15:03.620 --> 00:15:10.540 But sometimes the conflict got so bad that Carebears they'd have to get together to the fetus, conflict in unison. 00:15:10.540 --> 00:15:14.990 And so what they do is they'd lock arms and they would just spray law. 00:15:15.000 --> 00:15:16.540 You know what I mean? 00:15:16.580 --> 00:15:19.380 There was conflict and they can handle it for the most part, but no one could. 00:15:19.540 --> 00:15:20.680 No one could come against care. 00:15:20.780 --> 00:15:26.310 Bayer law, they spray that everywhere and it all just, I can tell you this though, it doesn't work. 00:15:27.460 --> 00:15:30.400 Try that on my sister as a kid, I could not can nugget that. 00:15:30.420 --> 00:15:39.020 There's different examples of love that you can demonstrate and, but here's the, when we think about the Lord, if 00:15:39.020 --> 00:15:46.120 your theology, it doesn't drive you to better love God and love others, your theology is broken. 00:15:48.940 --> 00:15:54.180 In fact, I'll go ahead and call it religious, which is also broken. 00:15:56.360 --> 00:16:03.540 That's exactly what Jesus said in Matthew chapter 15 if you, if you follow this, I'm not gonna have time to go through the whole passage. 00:16:03.820 --> 00:16:04.510 I'm going to give you a skim. 00:16:04.800 --> 00:16:12.300 We're going to go on rabbit trails today or just follow a longer trail of different verses because I want you to see how what we're talking about today communicates 00:16:12.300 --> 00:16:13.940 itself through the whole Bible. 00:16:15.700 --> 00:16:20.780 But when you look at Matthew chapter 15 the Pharisees were constantly in conflict with Jesus. 00:16:20.820 --> 00:16:24.140 Not Jesus' fault, definitely the Pharisee's fault, but there was constantly conflict there. 00:16:24.180 --> 00:16:30.260 And Jesus is pursuing resolution in this and helping them to identify where that source comes from. 00:16:30.300 --> 00:16:36.000 But you see this conflict, the Pharisees have their theology, they've got their theology. 00:16:36.020 --> 00:16:39.560 The problem is their theology is broken and Jesus points this out to them. 00:16:39.580 --> 00:16:46.100 So when you follow in 15 starting at verse one the Pharisees come to Jesus and they're like, and all the people aren't following the rules. 00:16:46.100 --> 00:16:48.300 Jesus, they're bad. 00:16:49.660 --> 00:16:50.780 We don't have anything to do with those people. 00:16:51.040 --> 00:16:58.300 In fact, if you read in Matthew chapter 23 Jesus writes the eight woes against the Pharisees and when he writes the woes against 00:16:58.380 --> 00:17:05.680 the Pharisees, when he describes their struggle in with God and the woe is like a pronouncement of death when he's writing this and then he's 00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:12.260 acknowledging the two things they fall short in and one is in religious pursuit, they're elevating themselves. 00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:16.359 I'm doing all these religious performances so I can be better me. 00:17:17.260 --> 00:17:24.420 It's all about me and in turn because they're making it about them and these things that they have to accomplish, they're looking at the rest 00:17:24.420 --> 00:17:27.540 of the world that can live up to the standard and they're saying, shame on you. 00:17:27.540 --> 00:17:28.440 You are beneath me. 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:35.680 And so what God creates us for relationship, what they're doing in the religious system is they're elevating themselves and make it all about them. 00:17:35.760 --> 00:17:36.750 God's just a secondary thing. 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:38.270 They live the law under their strength. 00:17:39.120 --> 00:17:40.580 They, they're not connected to God. 00:17:41.500 --> 00:17:48.800 In fact, Jesus told him, Matthew seven verse 2122 they come to the Lord and they said, Lord, did we not cast out demons in your name and do all these wonderful 00:17:48.800 --> 00:17:49.720 works in your name? 00:17:49.760 --> 00:17:53.740 And Jesus says, depart from me, I never knew you. 00:17:57.060 --> 00:18:03.960 And so while they're living this system of theology elevating themselves, Jesus has reiterating to them, listen, you're missing the point. 00:18:05.720 --> 00:18:07.080 It's not about what you do. 00:18:07.720 --> 00:18:08.380 I can do it better. 00:18:08.380 --> 00:18:08.820 I'm God. 00:18:09.900 --> 00:18:11.920 But he created them for relationship. 00:18:11.940 --> 00:18:13.080 And so they're coming to God. 00:18:13.080 --> 00:18:17.810 And in Matthew 15 and they're saying all these people doing bad things, look at how good I am. 00:18:17.900 --> 00:18:24.980 Look at how bad they are, devaluing other people, elevating themselves, which turns out is horrific in working in relationship the way God has 00:18:24.980 --> 00:18:25.740 called us to. 00:18:27.760 --> 00:18:32.960 And so Jesus then goes on and just starts to pronounce judgment on what they're going through in their license. 00:18:33.040 --> 00:18:39.280 So he says in verse four he says, look, you guys are living your religion so much that you're even violating against your own mother. 00:18:39.380 --> 00:18:46.600 And father and then he goes on and quotes Isaiah and he says to them, you are, you're acknowledging me with your lips 00:18:46.600 --> 00:18:48.100 but your heart is far from me. 00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:56.960 And so then Jesus just drives to the root of what the problem is and this is what he says, Matthew 1511 it is not what interests into the mouth 00:18:56.960 --> 00:18:57.860 that defiles the man. 00:18:57.860 --> 00:19:02.360 Look, it's not the outward religious thing that God's after, but what proceeds out of the mouth that defiles the man. 00:19:02.400 --> 00:19:09.460 What he's saying is what comes out of you is a reflection of what rests in you, your heart, where you are in the very, the very fact 00:19:09.460 --> 00:19:18.520 that you are elevating yourself in devaluing people is exposing the idea that there is something broken in your heart, your 00:19:18.520 --> 00:19:19.420 heart needs addressed. 00:19:22.980 --> 00:19:30.180 When it comes to conflict, the most important thing I think into reaching that resolution or at least opening up the door, 00:19:30.180 --> 00:19:34.760 we can't always fix the other problem or the other person in that situation, but we can't address ourselves. 00:19:35.420 --> 00:19:38.660 The primary thing that God drives after in all of that is your heart. 00:19:39.740 --> 00:19:41.700 And so the place to begin in conflict is your heart. 00:19:41.760 --> 00:19:45.280 In fact, the disciples come to Jesus after Jesus makes it statement. 00:19:45.300 --> 00:19:49.560 In verse 11 they say, Jesus, you've really offended people by what you said. 00:19:49.560 --> 00:19:58.000 They thought they were so great and now they're all offended because they put all the boasts in themselves and then Jesus says this, verse 00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:06.040 18 but the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart and those defile the man, and 00:20:06.040 --> 00:20:13.260 so what Jesus is driving at when it comes to living life, the way that he calls us to an experiencing relationship, the way he calls us 00:20:13.400 --> 00:20:16.760 to the police to begin rests in the heart. 00:20:19.140 --> 00:20:24.280 Proverbs chapter four it says this, watch over your heart with all diligence for from it flows the Springs of life. 00:20:28.660 --> 00:20:30.160 Psalms David wrote it this way. 00:20:30.260 --> 00:20:32.030 Search me O God and know. 00:20:36.720 --> 00:20:38.070 It's not the accolades religiously. 00:20:40.260 --> 00:20:43.440 That's the way we look at things, right? 00:20:43.620 --> 00:20:46.260 Performing all of these things so that God thinks I'm great. 00:20:46.260 --> 00:20:54.640 It's all about the accolades and when you live your life that way, what you end up doing is alienating yourself from people, which is the thing God calls us to honoring 00:20:54.640 --> 00:20:55.560 him in relationship. 00:20:57.980 --> 00:20:59.440 Ministry isn't the end in itself. 00:21:01.480 --> 00:21:07.060 Ministry is the means to an end, which is to glorify God in our lives and encourage one another in relationship to him. 00:21:09.420 --> 00:21:16.420 That's why we say as a church, what we're after is for people to experience a transforming relationship and God that transforms their relationship with others. 00:21:18.600 --> 00:21:25.780 Honestly, when we, when we fail to see that, that's what makes religion just whatever word you want to insert 00:21:25.780 --> 00:21:32.860 there because it grossly devalues people and it makes 00:21:32.860 --> 00:21:39.300 us objects, makes us robots, makes us uninterested in the heart of another. 00:21:41.900 --> 00:21:49.160 The guy calls you to be an ambassador and being an ambassador to him means that you represent him in this world and your relationship 00:21:49.400 --> 00:21:49.740 to other people. 00:21:51.200 --> 00:21:58.340 Yeah, but the truth is I'm going to look at, when we talk about conflict, the reason why it's a struggle for us is because we have two innate responses within 00:21:58.340 --> 00:22:06.040 us that don't produce healthiness in finding resolution to conflict nor glorifying God and the way that we pursue 00:22:06.040 --> 00:22:06.160 conflict. 00:22:07.060 --> 00:22:08.480 Yeah. 00:22:08.520 --> 00:22:14.980 In Genesis chapter three when Adam and Eve first sin, Adam and Eve do a lot of great things that teach us what not to do in life. 00:22:16.060 --> 00:22:17.400 They create the first manmade religion. 00:22:17.480 --> 00:22:19.580 When they go put on fig leaves, they run and hide from God. 00:22:19.760 --> 00:22:21.560 All things that you do not want to do. 00:22:21.560 --> 00:22:23.700 You don't want to put on religion before God. 00:22:23.720 --> 00:22:25.600 You want to just come expose more him. 00:22:25.620 --> 00:22:28.000 Let him put the perfection of Jesus on you. 00:22:28.020 --> 00:22:30.520 You don't want to hide to Goddens from God and sin. 00:22:30.580 --> 00:22:33.880 You want to go to him and sin because he takes care of it at the cross. 00:22:33.880 --> 00:22:34.820 He died for that. 00:22:34.840 --> 00:22:36.680 That you could be reconciled him all bad things. 00:22:36.680 --> 00:22:43.980 Adam and Eve did, and one of the other bad things that they did is they also cause problems in their relationship with each other now only to experience problems in their relationship with God, 00:22:45.760 --> 00:22:48.140 but they also see problems in their relationship with one another. 00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:54.940 What Adam did is one of the things that we tend to do in our human nature because of sin and our tendency is this. 00:22:54.940 --> 00:22:56.140 It's to blame others. 00:22:57.500 --> 00:22:59.310 Yeah, to pass responsibility though. 00:22:59.480 --> 00:23:01.180 God calls us to be responsible [inaudible]. 00:23:02.520 --> 00:23:02.780 Right? 00:23:02.780 --> 00:23:04.040 So it kind of works like this. 00:23:04.180 --> 00:23:09.800 You act like a rear end to me and that justifies my reactions back to you. 00:23:10.840 --> 00:23:19.000 Whatever you bring, I'm going to bring it bigger cause now I'm justified by acting the way I want to act because the way you act it to me, but the truth is you're 00:23:19.100 --> 00:23:20.400 always responsible for you. 00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:22.180 Okay? 00:23:22.360 --> 00:23:29.360 This is what Adam does in Genesis chapter three verse 12 the man said to God, the woman whom you gave to me, she gave me 00:23:29.360 --> 00:23:36.000 from the tree and I a, Hey my fault Therese, check yourself before you wreck yourself. 00:23:36.040 --> 00:23:37.980 Not a, like he's pointing to the loan. 00:23:38.020 --> 00:23:41.770 It's like, I mean, God would have never been me if it wasn't for her. 00:23:43.560 --> 00:23:49.060 You read something like this and you're like, at least when I see you, I'm like, man, Adam grew up like, really? 00:23:49.660 --> 00:23:51.000 You still did it dude. 00:23:52.120 --> 00:23:59.180 And you know what God calls you to in relationships so that you can encourage one another in that moment and what you did rather than stand up and encourage her in godliness as you were 00:23:59.180 --> 00:24:01.190 a coward, you blamed and didn't take any responsibility. 00:24:04.140 --> 00:24:05.580 You can't control her. 00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:08.180 You are accountable. 00:24:10.940 --> 00:24:14.520 Verse 13 and the woman said, at least she got a little bit better. 00:24:15.020 --> 00:24:17.720 The woman said, the serpent deceived me and I ate. 00:24:18.940 --> 00:24:20.940 I gotta tell you, if you're going to blame anybody, just blame Satan. 00:24:21.260 --> 00:24:22.010 It just sounds better. 00:24:22.980 --> 00:24:27.430 Satan, when I was a kid, I had a cousin that was just destructive. 00:24:28.140 --> 00:24:30.520 She how she carried vengeance at a young age. 00:24:30.780 --> 00:24:34.040 She would break all my toys and then she'd tell me Satan told her to do it. 00:24:35.060 --> 00:24:36.740 I never caught, I never questioned her. 00:24:36.740 --> 00:24:39.410 I'm like, I believe you devil child. 00:24:40.530 --> 00:24:44.060 But you see he was passing the buck too. 00:24:44.080 --> 00:24:44.760 But here's the problem. 00:24:44.900 --> 00:24:47.980 Eve, you're still responsible. 00:24:50.460 --> 00:24:56.820 There's always bad influences and there's always excuses that we can throw out as to why we might do what we do. 00:24:59.360 --> 00:25:06.500 Restore responsible for you and you're a peace in the midst of conflict to be an ambassador for Christ, 00:25:06.540 --> 00:25:09.190 a life for him because relationships are what the Lord is all about. 00:25:11.480 --> 00:25:14.800 The Bible tells us that the journey begins by looking at our heart. 00:25:15.580 --> 00:25:21.900 If for the Pharisees, they needed to recognize that on all this religious performance, what it was doing was alienating them from God where they were alienated from God. 00:25:23.860 --> 00:25:28.480 No amount of performance is going to undo what needs to happen in your relationship with God because it needs reconciled. 00:25:30.300 --> 00:25:30.980 You need his forgiveness. 00:25:31.860 --> 00:25:37.080 I mean, any relationship you have in this world, when there's problems in order to experience the homeless and that relationship again, you need reconciliation. 00:25:37.640 --> 00:25:39.200 You can't work your way into that reconciliation. 00:25:39.500 --> 00:25:40.540 Another person has to forgive you. 00:25:41.980 --> 00:25:43.380 Same truth with the Lord. 00:25:43.400 --> 00:25:44.520 We've sinned against God. 00:25:44.520 --> 00:25:45.080 We've violated. 00:25:45.120 --> 00:25:48.040 We can perform all day long, all day long, and it's still not gonna do any good. 00:25:48.660 --> 00:25:50.940 Why Sinead reconciled? 00:25:52.800 --> 00:25:57.140 That's why Jesus came and so he's saying to the Pharisees, look at your heart. 00:25:57.200 --> 00:26:04.240 In order to resolve and conflict, it begins in the heart to address the heart becomes the pinnacle place for 00:26:04.240 --> 00:26:11.190 us to see the need for the reconciliation and relationship and where God can use us to be a light in the midst of circumstances that are difficult. 00:26:12.340 --> 00:26:19.440 In fact, Jesus said in Matthew seven verse two and three for in this way, you judge, you will be judged and by your 00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:22.000 standard of measure it will be measured to you. 00:26:22.160 --> 00:26:26.320 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but you don't notice the log that's in your own? 00:26:26.320 --> 00:26:30.800 I see Pharisees are saying, Jesus, look what they're doing. 00:26:30.800 --> 00:26:33.460 They're not washing their hands and we're great. 00:26:33.840 --> 00:26:34.810 We've done all of these things. 00:26:34.860 --> 00:26:36.410 We're above all these people and they're bad. 00:26:36.820 --> 00:26:43.920 All the bad, bad people what God is saying in this passage, the journey 00:26:43.920 --> 00:26:50.000 to a healthy relationship with him begins by examining what's in your own heart, where you are in light of God. 00:26:51.800 --> 00:27:01.040 Because by living this structure with no forgiveness and reconciliation in the Lord, now our relationship with God is no good that 00:27:01.040 --> 00:27:05.300 our hearts and connected to him and we understand the forgiveness that Jesus for gave to us. 00:27:07.680 --> 00:27:09.440 We're not going to look at the world as a bad, bad world. 00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:16.830 It may be simple gonna look at the world as a place where the Lord can heal just as he healed us. 00:27:19.160 --> 00:27:26.560 And so rather than put ourselves away from them or hibernate from them, we actually run towards the struggles because 00:27:26.560 --> 00:27:34.060 we understand just as Jesus transformed our lives from the inside out, he can transform other people's lives from the inside out, which makes conflict 00:27:34.060 --> 00:27:38.760 of beautiful place for God's people to shed the light of the Lord in the midst of that trial. 00:27:40.840 --> 00:27:49.800 Well, Jesus is saying in Matthew chapter seven is that all we tend to be as people, as we tend to be experts on judging others and 00:27:49.800 --> 00:27:54.430 poor reading ourselves, we're in conflict. 00:27:54.660 --> 00:27:55.780 We're often focused on others. 00:27:55.780 --> 00:28:01.740 But the reason we look in self is not only because of what Matthew says, but it's also because of what James says. 00:28:03.220 --> 00:28:05.800 James goes, what is the source of corals and conflicts among you? 00:28:06.740 --> 00:28:12.000 It's Eve ma, it's my boss, it's my whatever. 00:28:12.980 --> 00:28:14.620 What's the source of corals and conflicts among you? 00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:16.620 And he says, not others. 00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:21.620 So not the source of your pleasures that wage war in your members. 00:28:23.600 --> 00:28:24.400 I mean this is what happens. 00:28:25.420 --> 00:28:27.760 Conflict only perpetuates because we reciprocate. 00:28:29.240 --> 00:28:36.540 And so when someone comes against us, we see it as a justification to raise ourselves up to fight for the injustice against my personal 00:28:36.540 --> 00:28:37.080 rights. 00:28:37.400 --> 00:28:41.300 And so we rare our ugly heads and we provoke conflict with more conflict. 00:28:44.380 --> 00:28:46.440 And so what causes the coils and conflicts among you? 00:28:47.220 --> 00:28:49.200 It's because we persist in the fighting of the conflict. 00:28:50.260 --> 00:28:54.920 It's not the other person, but rather something's going on inside of you. 00:28:54.920 --> 00:28:59.480 And so James four goes on and says this, you lost them. 00:28:59.480 --> 00:29:04.040 Do not have mean someone's come against you and you're upset by what's taking place. 00:29:04.260 --> 00:29:04.900 So what do you do? 00:29:05.280 --> 00:29:12.460 You commit murder sometimes, literally, but other times the way that you respond is you're so upset by 00:29:12.460 --> 00:29:20.100 what happened in that relationship that you come back to the other person with such visits that you just kill the relationship because 00:29:22.640 --> 00:29:27.240 your most important, you were envious and Canada obtained. 00:29:27.340 --> 00:29:29.200 So you fight and you're coral. 00:29:32.720 --> 00:29:39.640 What James is saying is our tendency in the mix of conflict is to kill. 00:29:42.300 --> 00:29:43.300 Why is this verse here? 00:29:45.540 --> 00:29:52.720 Because everyone that responds to conflict feels justified to behave however they desire because they've been wronged against. 00:29:54.340 --> 00:30:01.560 And so what James is trying to get us to recognize in the midst of conflict, that that's no excuse to respond to what happens in our responses is recognizing that something in us 00:30:01.560 --> 00:30:03.400 is going as a stray. 00:30:03.400 --> 00:30:08.850 And so it's important to address the heart because if we just react out of that, what we'll end up doing is killing the relationship. 00:30:12.180 --> 00:30:17.380 But God's got you in a place in the midst of adversity and also be a light. 00:30:19.800 --> 00:30:26.800 So Proverbs 16 verse 23 and 24 says this, the heart of the wise instructs his mouth and 00:30:26.800 --> 00:30:28.120 that's persuasiveness to his lips. 00:30:28.580 --> 00:30:30.880 Listen, the heart of the wise can read his heart. 00:30:32.640 --> 00:30:33.780 He knows what his tendency is. 00:30:34.760 --> 00:30:35.670 Tim sees the blame. 00:30:35.820 --> 00:30:36.830 A tendency is not to take responsibility. 00:30:37.340 --> 00:30:38.420 My tendency is to kill the relationship. 00:30:39.140 --> 00:30:39.870 Those are my tendencies. 00:30:40.340 --> 00:30:44.600 I want to check my heart and now I want to honor God and honor people in the way. 00:30:44.620 --> 00:30:49.520 And in fact, I want to worship God and honor people in the way I respond to how can I do this for this relationship that God can be glorified. 00:30:51.300 --> 00:30:54.320 And so the heart of the wise instructs his mouth and adds persuasiveness to his lips. 00:30:55.980 --> 00:30:59.120 Pleasant words are a honeycomb sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. 00:31:00.580 --> 00:31:02.550 Listen, these verses aren't saying don't handle conflict. 00:31:02.760 --> 00:31:09.840 In fact, I would tell you the opposite is good handle conflict by not handling conflict is not good because what ends up happening in our lives and we end up building those 00:31:09.840 --> 00:31:11.900 like a mountain and then we finally tried to address them. 00:31:12.180 --> 00:31:14.820 There's so many things to address that we just are overwhelmed by it. 00:31:15.960 --> 00:31:17.460 There's some things we can let go in life. 00:31:18.100 --> 00:31:19.920 There's other things that you didn't address for the sake of the relationship. 00:31:20.760 --> 00:31:21.030 That's what I'm saying. 00:31:21.200 --> 00:31:26.540 Avoid things we're saying is appreciate the relationship to the point that you engage it in the right way. 00:31:27.900 --> 00:31:35.000 So James is talking about killing and Proverbs is talking about life and in fact in Proverbs 1821 it says this, death and life are in the power 00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:35.740 of the tongue. 00:31:36.860 --> 00:31:40.920 So in the midst of conflict, you are in a position to be used for God's glory to use against it. 00:31:42.060 --> 00:31:43.980 You can glorify yourself or you can glorify your Lord. 00:31:43.980 --> 00:31:51.260 You can speak life in Christ or you can speak death and I'll tell you just for fun later today, I'll pull out the book of Proverbs 00:31:51.260 --> 00:31:56.520 in the message or the message is a paraphrase translation and just read that and what it says about the tongue. 00:31:56.640 --> 00:31:57.620 I loved it. 00:31:57.700 --> 00:31:58.640 Listen to this. 00:31:58.680 --> 00:32:02.520 Verse 13 says, this, answering before listening is both stupid and rude. 00:32:03.020 --> 00:32:06.160 I can remember that it answer if we're listening stupid. 00:32:06.400 --> 00:32:14.740 It goes through all the Proverbs 18 just talks about the wisdom of way we share, but it's saying to us, you're in a position to speak death or 00:32:14.740 --> 00:32:15.360 to speak. 00:32:15.500 --> 00:32:15.600 Life. 00:32:17.720 --> 00:32:24.740 James reminds us, our tendency is to kill God's 00:32:24.740 --> 00:32:25.420 desires. 00:32:25.420 --> 00:32:27.280 For us to be life giving creatures. 00:32:29.880 --> 00:32:37.200 You think about what are we communicating when we react poorly to conflict James's 00:32:37.200 --> 00:32:37.500 death. 00:32:40.000 --> 00:32:47.060 The reason it becomes death is because our desires often and reacting to conflict is 00:32:47.120 --> 00:32:54.440 to modify behavior and when your pursuit is to modify behavior without speaking to the relationship 00:32:54.440 --> 00:33:01.420 itself, without speaking to the heart of the other end, the relationship, what you produce is rebellion. 00:33:03.260 --> 00:33:04.160 Let me give you a few examples. 00:33:04.560 --> 00:33:09.200 Like as a parent, my kids aren't perfect. 00:33:10.500 --> 00:33:13.040 You got that cliche pastor's kids, right? 00:33:13.040 --> 00:33:17.360 They're not perfect and some days they may drive me crazy. 00:33:19.720 --> 00:33:27.780 How respond in those moments can be glorifying to God and I'd like to say I've always done perfect, but I'm sure one of them could give you an example but 00:33:27.780 --> 00:33:32.040 how respond in that circumstance shows what I'm after? 00:33:33.060 --> 00:33:40.080 Cause usually when my kids are routing and they're obnoxious and they're getting on my nerves, what I want to do is I want to run to the other room and I don't 00:33:40.080 --> 00:33:43.740 want to just tell them how it is to modify their behavior to get what I want. 00:33:43.740 --> 00:33:43.860 Right? 00:33:46.660 --> 00:33:52.710 The problem is when I, when I act that way, our actions are declaring to the other person, you are offensive. 00:33:53.280 --> 00:33:54.270 I I'm most important. 00:33:54.700 --> 00:33:58.410 I'll get what I want and I will change your behavior because I am most important. 00:33:58.500 --> 00:34:02.520 I'm interested in modifying your behavior because I am the Lord and you have offended me. 00:34:04.380 --> 00:34:10.020 And so when you just pursued behavior modification, what you're saying is, I'm the most important person in this room and you bow down to me. 00:34:11.440 --> 00:34:15.440 And the truth is, when we live that out, we may win the battle, right? 00:34:15.440 --> 00:34:19.179 You may get what you want, but you know, you lose the war. 00:34:21.000 --> 00:34:21.860 Because here's what my kids learn. 00:34:23.420 --> 00:34:30.480 Yeah, I'll do what dad wants because dad's the authority and I, I can't overpower that my dad's a jerk 00:34:32.699 --> 00:34:33.800 and he's not interested in me. 00:34:35.679 --> 00:34:39.480 What he's interested in is himself and I can't stand it. 00:34:40.920 --> 00:34:42.790 And so at the moment I can get out from under his thumb. 00:34:42.860 --> 00:34:44.420 I am out of here and good reasons. 00:34:46.620 --> 00:34:51.239 And so when it becomes about behavior modification without relation, you create rebellion. 00:34:52.920 --> 00:34:59.980 But there's a way in the midst of conflict I'll share in a minute that you can, you can do in order to not just see a healthy result, but also speak 00:34:59.980 --> 00:35:07.260 to the heart to show that what's significant is the relationship that God's called you to and what you desire is to worship the Lord in the midst of conflict and honor the relationships 00:35:07.260 --> 00:35:12.160 so that you can in love, leverage yourself to become what God has called you to be in that relationship together. 00:35:15.180 --> 00:35:24.360 Cause when you modify behavior but neglect the heart, you restore the relationship, create 00:35:24.360 --> 00:35:24.820 a rebel. 00:35:27.460 --> 00:35:35.040 God's to get you in a place to both speak life and to experience the goodness of the relationship 00:35:36.420 --> 00:35:40.820 or to speak and to kill what the Lord may want to do there. 00:35:43.160 --> 00:35:48.740 How do you manage this before, before reacting, considering your heart? 00:35:48.740 --> 00:35:50.130 I think it's important to ask two questions. 00:35:51.700 --> 00:35:54.560 What does, this is what I want, what God wants. 00:35:55.780 --> 00:35:59.870 So he cause in behavior modification, the thing that we're pronouncing as Lord itself, I've been violated. 00:36:00.580 --> 00:36:02.140 It must be me that gets what I need. 00:36:02.140 --> 00:36:07.140 And so therefore you must bow down to modify your behavior to what it is my demands are and I will act like a beast to get it. 00:36:08.920 --> 00:36:10.960 So the question is what I want what God wants? 00:36:11.000 --> 00:36:12.920 Let me just clarify what it is. 00:36:12.960 --> 00:36:14.040 God wants. 00:36:14.040 --> 00:36:15.060 God cares about you. 00:36:16.140 --> 00:36:17.120 God cares about them. 00:36:18.040 --> 00:36:20.040 God cares about your relationship to him. 00:36:20.580 --> 00:36:24.960 God cares about their relationship to him and God cares about your relationship together. 00:36:26.860 --> 00:36:28.870 And so when you come to that question is what I want. 00:36:29.120 --> 00:36:29.700 What God wants. 00:36:29.720 --> 00:36:31.680 God, God wants to resolve the conflict. 00:36:31.680 --> 00:36:33.600 God, God wants you to experience the wholeness of the relationship. 00:36:33.800 --> 00:36:38.540 And so in addressing the conflict becomes an essential thing in order for relationships to thrive. 00:36:38.540 --> 00:36:46.460 So we're not saying ignore the conflict, but when you're worked up, you're 00:36:46.460 --> 00:36:48.200 communicating, you have an unmet need. 00:36:50.800 --> 00:36:57.860 Well, we may be communicating in a way that's not healthy because what the Bible calls us to do is lay ourselves down for 00:36:57.860 --> 00:37:01.070 the other person, for the relationship. 00:37:03.460 --> 00:37:09.970 When you strive to do that in conflict, sometimes the other person doesn't respond well and so I think it's important. 00:37:10.280 --> 00:37:11.680 One, don't throw mud. 00:37:12.580 --> 00:37:13.780 You both end up dirty that way. 00:37:15.380 --> 00:37:18.180 I think it's important to make it hard for people to hate you. 00:37:18.200 --> 00:37:21.120 It's difficult to fight with someone when they don't want to fight when they're not fighting back. 00:37:23.040 --> 00:37:25.160 So make it hard for them to hate you. 00:37:25.160 --> 00:37:26.900 The Bible tells us to bless and do not. 00:37:28.860 --> 00:37:36.180 I think it's important to remember, remember not to take it all personal because the other person has SIM problems going on the side of them and 00:37:36.180 --> 00:37:37.180 what they're battling with. 00:37:37.180 --> 00:37:44.040 Maybe coming out on you, but it may not have anything to do with you until you talk to them where there are conditions that are harder as you won't, you won't even know who that. 00:37:45.860 --> 00:37:49.260 And when you make the conflict personal, it becomes difficult to help the circumstance. 00:37:50.780 --> 00:37:58.280 And so your security in Jesus and your intrinsic value in him becomes the important point in order 00:37:58.280 --> 00:38:02.490 for you to minister in that moment is what I want, what God wants. 00:38:04.930 --> 00:38:11.940 I think God wants you to experience the health of relationships and so then the next question becomes is the way you 00:38:11.940 --> 00:38:14.030 want it the way God wants it. 00:38:16.680 --> 00:38:19.820 We shared this example last week, but let me just reiterate it. 00:38:19.820 --> 00:38:26.340 It's the way you [inaudible] you want the way you want it, the way God wants it to be in that conflict, the way you want to work it out as the way God wants to work it out. 00:38:26.500 --> 00:38:33.540 Because when it comes to addressing conflict, you can be totally in the right and still be totally wrong in 00:38:33.540 --> 00:38:34.040 the way you respond. 00:38:36.020 --> 00:38:43.160 Meaning someone could have done something wrong and you are completely justified in and responding to it because you've 00:38:43.160 --> 00:38:48.080 been wrong against, but it's the approach that you take that demeans the other person and the Gates. 00:38:48.080 --> 00:38:51.800 Then the resolution that you can meet in the conflict, in any reconciliation to the relationship. 00:38:52.960 --> 00:39:00.020 Example, a married couple spouse does something that the other one 00:39:00.020 --> 00:39:01.940 didn't think should have happened. 00:39:02.180 --> 00:39:03.260 There's better ways to do it. 00:39:04.520 --> 00:39:06.000 The spouses completely in the right. 00:39:06.040 --> 00:39:07.360 It should've happened a different way. 00:39:08.420 --> 00:39:13.160 And rather than communicating that in a way that was honoring to Jesus in a way that's loving, they belittle them. 00:39:13.940 --> 00:39:14.700 What's wrong with you? 00:39:15.080 --> 00:39:15.980 You didn't do it like this. 00:39:16.320 --> 00:39:19.220 Your LMS stuck next time you need to do this and this and this and this and this. 00:39:19.260 --> 00:39:19.780 And you just belittle. 00:39:21.340 --> 00:39:25.340 So it's not just that you're in the right and what you're saying, but the way that you're communicating it is wrong. 00:39:25.340 --> 00:39:29.360 And so the question is not only is what I want what God wants, but it's the way you want it. 00:39:31.440 --> 00:39:33.970 Worshiping the Lord and honoring to others. 00:39:35.770 --> 00:39:43.120 It's the goal for us attitude what you want, the way God 00:39:43.120 --> 00:39:44.480 wants it. 00:39:45.720 --> 00:39:52.960 It's your attitude, Nicole, is to pursue what Jesus desires in a relationship and pursue 00:39:52.960 --> 00:39:55.500 the way Jesus desires it in the relationship. 00:39:58.240 --> 00:40:04.400 Your relationship with God affects your relationship with others, and your relationship with others will affect your relationship with the Lord. 00:40:07.160 --> 00:40:09.840 God's got you in a place to speak life rather than death. 00:40:11.520 --> 00:40:13.480 So here comes maybe the more important question. 00:40:15.220 --> 00:40:17.020 How do you respond when the other person's aggressive? 00:40:18.340 --> 00:40:22.010 How do you react when the other person is the problem is not you, but it's the other person. 00:40:22.240 --> 00:40:22.460 Right. 00:40:22.820 --> 00:40:27.480 And that's probably the most important question cause I know, I know all of us, we're perfect, right? 00:40:27.500 --> 00:40:30.600 We all been in conflict and we're like, I've been there and it's not me. 00:40:30.600 --> 00:40:31.160 It's them. 00:40:31.820 --> 00:40:38.580 So how do I respond in that conflict in order to bring out the Lord's best in that moment? 00:40:39.000 --> 00:40:41.120 How are you reacting? 00:40:41.200 --> 00:40:42.720 The other person's the aggressive one. 00:40:44.200 --> 00:40:48.200 Well you can attack them and kill them. 00:40:48.860 --> 00:40:57.180 And James said that in Florida chapter four you could do that or you could care better love them, spraying 00:40:57.180 --> 00:40:58.020 you to death. 00:40:58.020 --> 00:40:59.940 I don't even know how this do won't work. 00:41:09.980 --> 00:41:11.810 How do you respond when the other person is aggressive? 00:41:13.580 --> 00:41:20.260 You know the silver lining, when someone's angry towards you, when someone's better on someone's Benz bull, when someone gives you the silent treatment and all of those things. 00:41:20.540 --> 00:41:27.640 If there is a silver lining to find the silver lining, is this, that they're still communicating and they're not communicating in a healthy 00:41:27.640 --> 00:41:29.980 way, but they are communicating what they're communicating? 00:41:30.400 --> 00:41:35.020 Is that there is an unmet need somewhere somehow some way they felt violated against [inaudible]. 00:41:36.420 --> 00:41:39.360 And so when someone's aggressive towards you fill that kind of that conflict. 00:41:40.060 --> 00:41:44.120 At least in that moment, what you're recognizing is there is some communication that's happening. 00:41:45.260 --> 00:41:52.280 And so this becomes a place for you to find an opportunity to leverage the position that God's got you in order to speak to the heart rather than 00:41:52.280 --> 00:41:53.340 just modify the behavior. 00:41:56.720 --> 00:41:58.500 And so learning how to respond here becomes important. 00:42:00.420 --> 00:42:05.540 So when someone's aggressive, this is what you say, you need to open up your heart and expose theirs. 00:42:06.860 --> 00:42:12.950 And this is what you say, the way you just reacted made me feel unloved or underappreciated. 00:42:15.420 --> 00:42:16.100 What just happened? 00:42:16.100 --> 00:42:17.560 Made me feel unloved and underappreciated. 00:42:18.360 --> 00:42:18.860 Okay. 00:42:19.120 --> 00:42:20.780 Exposing my heart, how I feel. 00:42:21.660 --> 00:42:25.460 And then you look at them because your concern isn't just modifying their behavior but their heart. 00:42:25.920 --> 00:42:33.320 So you say, is there something that's happened that's made you feel unloved or an underappreciated? 00:42:35.660 --> 00:42:42.740 Well, I'll tell you, when you asked that question to a heart that's stressed or angry or Vince for just going through a difficult 00:42:42.740 --> 00:42:45.740 time, it's being ex reciprocating your relationship. 00:42:46.780 --> 00:42:49.440 What you've just done is open Pandora's box, right? 00:42:49.660 --> 00:42:55.400 You've at least started to talk about the relationship and my heart feels this way, unloved, unappreciated. 00:42:55.440 --> 00:42:57.300 Is there something that happened that made you feel in love? 00:42:57.300 --> 00:43:00.060 And I appreciate you've just, you've just opened Pandora's box. 00:43:00.060 --> 00:43:07.260 So for you, the warning is be ready for how they respond and when they respond, here's 00:43:07.260 --> 00:43:07.960 what you don't do. 00:43:09.680 --> 00:43:13.600 Don't make excuses, but you don't understand why I did that. 00:43:13.680 --> 00:43:18.340 Or you don't understand, or I did that because, or I'm completely unjustified, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 00:43:18.380 --> 00:43:19.080 Don't just don't do that. 00:43:20.560 --> 00:43:21.560 That's not the place to do that. 00:43:21.600 --> 00:43:23.320 You've just invited them to share what's on their heart. 00:43:24.880 --> 00:43:29.860 And so you say, I hear you. 00:43:32.800 --> 00:43:37.840 So you want to acknowledge before then that you're listening to what they say and you value where they are in their place. 00:43:40.400 --> 00:43:47.600 Rather than make excuses, you just, you acknowledge that you hear their feelings and where 00:43:47.600 --> 00:43:52.130 they're coming from and if you want to take it a step further, here's what you can say to honor the relationship. 00:43:53.840 --> 00:43:55.810 I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me. 00:43:58.060 --> 00:44:05.380 Out of all the places that you could have said that here between us that you felt 00:44:05.380 --> 00:44:09.060 that you had enough freedom to just share that with me because I care about you. 00:44:09.160 --> 00:44:11.460 I'm so thankful that you shared there. 00:44:13.220 --> 00:44:16.240 I usually conversations go one of two places. 00:44:18.200 --> 00:44:25.510 If they see that you're not defensive, number one, this is hopefully what happens, but if they see that you're not defensive 00:44:25.600 --> 00:44:28.960 and that you've let down your walls, they'll start to let down. 00:44:31.140 --> 00:44:38.180 Conflict and resolution can be worked out how to care for one another, but in other circumstances when 00:44:38.180 --> 00:44:45.340 they see that you are not irritated with them, sometimes in the vengeance they just want to keep amping it up to try to provoke out of you 00:44:45.340 --> 00:44:52.680 the same emotional response they have of which you can say, now I really value the relationship 00:44:54.340 --> 00:44:56.800 and because I care about you, I can tell where they are right now. 00:44:56.800 --> 00:45:04.680 It's just full of a lot of energy and I want to be able to take a step back and maybe when it comes down a little bit, let's let's talk about this because of where you 00:45:04.680 --> 00:45:12.120 are and I care about what God wants to do between us or I care about you and our relationship together and so have 00:45:12.120 --> 00:45:19.240 the opportunity to just step back from that relationship and then re-engage the topic because you are concerned 00:45:19.240 --> 00:45:20.340 with the individual. 00:45:23.080 --> 00:45:24.490 The desire is not to modify behavior. 00:45:26.760 --> 00:45:31.560 The desire is to address the heart because of the dressing, the heart. 00:45:31.560 --> 00:45:39.360 You can find within that relationship with one another how to better honor each other and in turn the behavior will be modified because 00:45:39.360 --> 00:45:40.730 the goal is to honor relationship. 00:45:42.780 --> 00:45:44.420 Let me just leave you with these two thoughts. 00:45:47.580 --> 00:45:54.320 If you think about what we share this morning and I'm just wanting to know, it's just an outline. 00:45:56.460 --> 00:46:03.500 Well, it's an outline that shows us how about open up conflict in order to experience what God 00:46:03.500 --> 00:46:06.260 desires in relationships so they can begin to grow and thrive. 00:46:07.300 --> 00:46:08.260 Pulling out the heart. 00:46:08.940 --> 00:46:15.100 Our tendency is to blame, not take responsibility to put self first in the kill. 00:46:16.840 --> 00:46:22.460 And Jesus, his desire is to lay self down because of our worth in him and speak to the heart. 00:46:22.560 --> 00:46:24.080 Because what God's after isn't performance. 00:46:24.780 --> 00:46:32.080 What God is after is the heart and we in the midst of that conflict can honor and worship the Lord and we can honor 00:46:32.080 --> 00:46:32.950 the relationship. 00:46:35.020 --> 00:46:41.340 And though it may not fix thing and though it may not change the other person, here's what you get. 00:46:43.240 --> 00:46:50.380 You get to lay your head down at night knowing that you've worshiped the Lord and 00:46:50.380 --> 00:46:55.620 honor people, which is what God desires for your life. 00:46:57.240 --> 00:47:04.380 And the reality is when you look at an outline like this, maybe you're like me, where you think of all the examples outside of 00:47:04.460 --> 00:47:07.820 Carebears that you've learned that probably don't want to emulate. 00:47:10.000 --> 00:47:15.660 Probably make headline news more than a godly description. 00:47:15.660 --> 00:47:15.780 You know? 00:47:17.060 --> 00:47:24.260 And so when you think about living life this way, you're not going to naturally want to do what we shared today because we've said what the human tendency is to 00:47:24.260 --> 00:47:28.340 blame, not take responsibility, to kill, to put self first. 00:47:28.420 --> 00:47:31.040 That's what are often asked to do in conflict. 00:47:32.840 --> 00:47:40.120 But when you consider what God's desire is for relationship, this at least puts for us an idea of what God wants us to strive 00:47:40.120 --> 00:47:40.960 for together. 00:47:41.960 --> 00:47:43.940 Because to be honest, not perfect. 00:47:45.700 --> 00:47:46.860 I can, I can share this stuff. 00:47:46.860 --> 00:47:51.130 And I can tell you after I share this stuff, I can make this my goal and then I can walk out of here and I can fail. 00:47:54.580 --> 00:47:56.140 But in failing, here's what I get to do. 00:47:57.680 --> 00:48:02.940 I can go back to that relationship and I can say, I dishonor God and I dishonored you. 00:48:04.720 --> 00:48:05.540 This is my desire. 00:48:07.620 --> 00:48:11.180 I'm not here to modify your behavior, not here to control you. 00:48:13.000 --> 00:48:15.920 I'm here to leverage all I am for all that God's called you to be. 00:48:17.780 --> 00:48:25.600 And I do that when I lay myself down and I speak to your heart and not just try to force you to change your life because 00:48:25.600 --> 00:48:28.160 I am interested in your heart and what God wants to do in it. 00:48:31.160 --> 00:48:38.200 And the more I'm honest with that, and the more I keep reminding myself of the goal and the more I work through 00:48:38.200 --> 00:48:45.720 passages of scripture to see what the Lord says, the more I find myself walking in this path to experience what healthy relationships 00:48:45.720 --> 00:48:46.820 are about. 00:48:48.240 --> 00:48:48.750 So I say all this. 00:48:48.800 --> 00:48:52.600 So when you walk out today and you guys fight before you get to the car, I don't think that's going to happen. 00:48:52.900 --> 00:48:54.700 But could you got to get your kids? 00:48:54.860 --> 00:48:56.180 But where you go maybe happen, I don't know. 00:48:57.400 --> 00:49:00.000 You don't say, Oh look, you failed that he gave the sermon. 00:49:00.000 --> 00:49:02.060 You're supposed to be perfect from here on out. 00:49:02.180 --> 00:49:05.990 You know, you don't just kill each other over that and modify your behavior. 00:49:06.240 --> 00:49:07.560 You are not good. 00:49:07.980 --> 00:49:09.400 Cause it's some worse words there. 00:49:09.580 --> 00:49:13.810 But ah, but rather you say this, man, you know what? 00:49:13.820 --> 00:49:18.180 I think we just blew it there because what God cares about is what's happening here in us. 00:49:18.180 --> 00:49:19.640 And so this is our goal. 00:49:21.100 --> 00:49:22.040 So we can strive in that together. 00:49:22.860 --> 00:49:23.060 Why? 00:49:24.120 --> 00:49:31.260 Because God created us for that, to worship him and to honor others, 00:49:32.760 --> 00:49:34.320 their understanding of who he is. 00:49:36.080 --> 00:49:37.400 You're created for relationship. 00:49:39.080 --> 00:49:43.220 Conflict is a beautiful place to acknowledge the glory of God and the way the Lord works through it. 00:49:44.220 --> 00:49:59.800 And rather than give up some, 00:50:01.760 --> 00:50:03.272 encourage encourage you to keep fighting.